RESUME
Ali Urasky
hereliesali.blogspot.com
Illinois
Objective
To be hired as a wife. I will use my people skills to honor and cherish until death, in sickness and in health.
Career Highlights / Qualifications
Great communication skills- eloquent, vocal about concerns, fast wpm in both word processing and texting.
Well practiced in sexual recreation, and socialization involving beverages, and various forms of fanfare.
Artistically driven-a fabulous companion to artistic ventures, i.e. films, musical outlets, galleries, I also provide gifts of artwork regularly.
Well rooted-knows place as a woman, great at cooking, especially vegetarian genre, loves to clean, disinfect, and organize.
Experience
Ex #1, fall 2003-fall 2006. responsibilities-being passive, being supportive. achievements-virginity lost.
Ex #2, winter 2007-fall 2008. responsibilities- being passive/aggressive, being creative. achievements-sexual identity mastered, depression treatment.
Various temp. positions fall 2008-present.
Skills
poetry, love, sarcasm, hilarity, extensive Woody Allen knowledge, vegetarianism.
References available upon request
Dear Ali,
ReplyDeletethank you for forwarding us your resume, we're always grateful to correspond with and hear from individuals like yourself who have niche skills and talents.
Unfortunately, we've found that you're very much overqualified for the position we would like to fill. Ideal applicants should be unhinged, dangerous, abusive and cause us a great deal of distress after their terms of employment have ceased.
We will of course keep your information on file and should any vacancies come up, we will notify you via the contact details you have specified,
Should you wish to know any more about our company, please do not hesitate to ask, we're always delighted to hear from those with an interest,
yours sincerely,
recently single male,
Upstairs apartment,
No fixed abode.
Well, I must thank you for the opportunity as it has been provided!
ReplyDeleteI did not include my weaknesses, as I was hoping on getting the job. Via references though, they should not be hard to find.
Does making relationships into business opportunities make me a whore?
Not at all. You know that full well, too.
ReplyDeleteIt's just like asking out loud for a decent break or somewhere, somewhow for the right thing to come your way.
Therein lies the similarities.
Anon (ugh).
typos suc k.s.
ReplyDeleteHysterically delightful.
ReplyDelete