my october 31 traditions.

here i will drink to you both tonight

this day of the year has never felt right

since the night that no one responded

when i painted my life

and depression compounded

i made a big mound of big blue pills

that made me throw up

and gave me chills

i woke up the next day

profoundly upset

my heart was still beating

i wasn't dead yet

so they shipped me home

and made me better

but the love of my life

he wrote me a letter

"darling, i dont think you're cute,

you've lost your luster, and we dispute

over far too much for me to enjoy

anything but fucking,

because i'm a boy."

and that was that

another heartbreak

incomplete by the break of day

so the next hallow's eve

i found a guy

who'd give me drugs

and make me cry

he'd be flat out, and tell me things

how i'm too fat, and i can't sing,

or draw or smile or anything.

then on my one special day

he lent me fists

it was not okay.

so now year three,

i toast to y'all,

for giving me art

and loving my fall

into deep horror and scary dreams

remembering those nights

of bad extremes.

i wish i had more to show you two

i'm still alone

i'm still abused.

but fuck.

whatever.

i dont care.

nothing cool rhymes with care.

i really just hate halloween

but at least i'm not staying with the routine.