b

I want to be the best at something
I want to be your best something
your best friend, your best kiss,
your best that, your best this,
the best at colors,
the best at similies,
the best text messenger,
the best disease,
the master of tickeling,
or baking cakes,
a pro word-former,
with no mistakes.
I'd be just perfect,
I'd be your perfect,
in the interest of everyone
I'd be the number one.
The go-to,
the big cheddar,
my eyes would sparkle,
and I could pull off leather.
I'd live upon a pedestal
and be solicitous for the long haul.
But darn reality knocks me down,
I blunder and slip
and make you frown.
I'm sorry and flawed,
but I know it's human,
it just sucks to not
matter in anything you're doing.

Orange, bleu, jaune Paul. Yellowblue.

I try to practice what I would say if you asked me what I was thinking
but my eyes go lazy and I just say, "You know."
In case you don't though,
here it all is.
You're so lucky that when I say I want to glue a bunch of kittens to your body
and feed you crackers from a sandwich bag
that I don't want you as a pet.
Free reign, totally liberal
and adorable.
Since I don't believe in clocks,
just dehydration,
I think I'm going to live at least six hundred more years
and when you halt from boredom,
I'd unquestionably interrogate your pals
and see if I could build you a pyramid.
See, 'cause I got I.M Pei in a cage
and he's got a little wheel and a chewing stick,
and at night he whispers in French,
"juste comment construire un haut en bas la pyramide de verre."
 It'll be better than Paris,
and just like a stained glass window.

j/w, o.k.

This is always the month I remember most.
I can't throw those in a dumpster.
I can delete the songs on iTunes,
and cut you out of the photos,
but there's the fucking radio
and your facebook friends.
You always had more facebook friends.
Am I still special?
What do you do with the songs?
Do they match your new in a relationship?
Or do they die in the park too?
Maybe you think of them as a mistake to learn from.
How long's this going to last?
('cause I think she's a cunt).
But trust me,
I'm worse, promise.
I'd be shocked and jealous if she surpasses my transgressions.
w/e, j/w. k? ttyl.

truth

I find myself parking always at the same place
where I definitely made some decisions.
And when I talk about that place
I can tell by the look upon your face
that you've made some decisions as well.
Thus
I'm seducing my cell phone
and sticking around
'cause a song told me to
and scratching in my notebook
some 'versaries
and insecurities
and maybe some pro's and con's.
Con's
my hands are milksops
and can't use lighters
I seem to remember absolutely everything
and I'm starting to hate
everything west of the Mississippi River.
Pro's
there's only one
that when you're patting your pockets
for the heart you can't seem to find
or you left it at home,
well, God screwed up
and gave me two,
so you can have it,
if you want.
And do what you will:
eat it out,
know it by,
change or stand it still
but whatever, it's yours,
and I'm still parked right here,
sitting and drawing,
waiting for you to appear.

Sorry, that's just how it's got to be.

It's just about autumn, and I've decided to use this as a bit of a springboard for New Years. I guess I'll check in on my resolutions and things to do before I die.


Resolutions.


I have resolved to not fall in love anymore.  I simply neither have the time nor patience to lie on my floor grasping my chest out of love pangs. All the energy that goes into my previous devotions will be spent otherwise on education, art, and books, (for all creative purposes, not art for the sake of love.)
Oops. Nope.

Purify, as intangibly as possible.  Deeds will be done because of pure motivation, and solely for that singular motivation.  No ulterior motives, manipulation, or hiding the truth. Blunt. White. Pure.
Actually, I haven't been manipulative much at all, if at all. I have lied little. And I've even been working on telling the immediate truth.

Depress less. Smile more.
Ha, well, I have had a quicker bounce-back time, if that counts, that is, if you don't count most of July and August. Whatever, I mean, summer gives everyone this stupid mentality that I don't function well around.

Quit cutting my hair.
Doing well. Taking good strides in grooming. Maybe too many strides in vanity though.

Drink more water.
Yes. Got a gallon right here.

Be taken seriously. (Always a resolution of mine).
Not really. Being completely honest, I feel more like entertainment to people than a friend or various other titles. I guess being a joke is nicer than being an enemy, but I've got to be an ali, too. And as much as I love silly, I've got these hearts? And they're my sleeves, and sometimes snickering stings.

Look better in pictures.
Not yet, but a little maybe. 

Be pleasantly surprised (also always a resolution of mine. Though this time it will not involve love).
I was pleasantly surprised this year. I took more risks. I am still taking more risks.

Pay dues to my idols.  Someway, somehow, I am going to do something about my heroes.
I've been reading all their autobiographies. I probably shouldn't have bought them second hand, but they are well-loved.


So, checked my bucket-list. Nothing. I did kiss a girl though.




Here's the deal. Art is going to be more concomitant. I'm going to do more trusting, but equally as much second guessing. I think I'm going to stand up for myself, too. It probably isn't too late to start that.

like, love, miss, hate

I like that there's a girl named "Ali" in the tabloids, because there are some really funny headlines.
I like when you make food and it stays at the right temperature in time for you to enjoy it.
I like selling old books on eBay (strangely).
I like that the weather is starting to act like Autumn.
I like when I need a particularly sized battery, and I can find one without having to buy them.

I love the sound of cars driving through the rain for an early morning commute.
I love not living in the city.
I love inside jokes.
I love having conversations.
I love being scared by movies or stories.
I love looking at faces.

I miss May.
I miss when the only question was "Where?"
I miss the possibility of spontaneity.
I miss being able to dance.
I miss when I didn't have to shave my legs so often.

I hate the words "possibly" and "maybe".
I hate Summer.
I hate"red tape".
I hate when people act like something is mutual when it is only benefiting them, obviously.
I hate when people give up on anything. (Still and always).
I hate how long it takes for mosquito bites to go away.  

Ideally. Ide(ali)

Advertise here!
 Well I would, but I can't afford it.
But if I could, it'd say
 that I wish I had a wooden porch
that we could rot on
the last night before you leave town.
Dark and lit by buzzing bulbs
we'd fasten then disengage,
rinse and repeat.
Well we would, but I don't have one.
So I'd get notice through
a hundred sixty characters
ending with colon, hyphen, backslash.
And I wish I could sing and strum,
Well I would, but I'm a painter.
So this could be a song
maybe in 3/4
that'd look perfect on your hard drive.
It can't be on a marquee, 
frosted in a cake,
burned into your grilled cheese,
or professed on amplitude modulation.
And I'd love to keep my phone on loud
so I could wake up and say goodbye.
I would but I have had trouble sleeping.
And since I keep my phone on silent by my head
while I'm asleep
I won't know 'til the morning that
you've left.