"Listen, Ali..."

Oh! My favorite combination of words of all time! I've decided to make a compilation letter that is historical fiction, and a hypothetical response. It may or may not be included in my future memoir, and is probably best read while listening, and paying homage to, "Excerpts from the various notes strewn around the bedroom of April Connolly Feb 24, 1997." By Cursive.

Listen, Ali...

You're an interesting girl. But, I am going to college soon and I just want to be able to experience that as much as I can. Really, you are just too young for me and the truth is, I have found someone else. I don't love you the way that you want to be loved, and that, I guess, is not all that fair to you. I stopped loving you a long time ago, and frankly, I am worn out of being around you. I can't take you, or any sort of relationship any longer. Things with you are always too complicated. I am probably gay. I think we could be good as friends, but I really don't like you at all. I need to focus on school right now, and a relationship just isn't practical at this moment. Plus, my ex-girlfriend is coming around again, and she was my first love, you know? Don't get me wrong, I love fucking you, but I kind of hate everything else about you. I mean, you're not like other girls. And by that I mean, you are smart but you put out really quick. And you're...interesting. You don't need much makeup, but I think you look better in the dark anyways. I really love this girl who hates you, and she doesn't want me to talk to you anymore. So I guess this is goodbye. We had fun. Remember that time in your car? Sorry about the broken promises and such, but seriously. When I said we should hang out again sometime, we both knew that I'm just not that into you.

Sincerely,

Every Guy Ever

Oh Every Guy Ever,

Thanks for calling me interesting. Really, I know you just meant not hot and kind of a smart-ass. Or maybe it was my obscene interests? It's okay really, I get it. I'm fun when your lower extremities are having fun, and unless they are, then I'm not all that cool. I have a lot of love to give, and it was neat sharing some of that with you. I would love to keep continuing to love you, and I probably will because I am pathetic and need something to art about. Let me just say that I am not going to forget you or all the lies you told me to get in bed or otherwise. We're moving on and growing apart, and you have a growing in your pants for another woman, or man, I wont judge. Just do me a favor from now on, please don't humor me. Please take me seriously. And for pete's sake, just stop leading me on. Be honest and say, I kind of hate you. I like it blunt, unless it's with knives, and you totally know that too. Can I have my stuff back? Thanks. Oh yeah, and it's probably better for you if you keep us a secret. You know. I collect enemies like a 10 year old collects pokemon cards. Oh yeah, one more thing. No late night sex requests, okay? It's a whole lot of traveling for me, and you probably never really made me come anyways.

LOVE always,

Ali.

I am really really bitter about how guys handle things.